Most survivors prefer saying "died by suicide," to honor their loved one's illness in a more appropriate way.Īs for comments inferring the person who died by suicide was weak in faith, it's important to realize many devout Christians suffer from mental illness. The word "committed" invokes language usually reserved for crimes. If there was one change I could make in the way we talk about suicide, it would be to remove the word COMMITTED from the usual vocabulary. Suggesting that a person in such psychological pain was trying to hurt those left behind shows a profound lack of compassion and understanding of mental illness. A person who dies by suicide sees death as the only alternative to unbearable torment - not as a "choice." Any comment that implies suicide was a choice, rational or not, lacks understanding. "It's too bad his faith wasn't strong enough."Īlthough anger toward the one who died is often part of the grieving process, it is never appropriate to say negative things about the deceased to the grieving family. Saying negative things about the person who died: It's no more appropriate to assign blame for a death from mental illness than it would be to look for blame in a death from another disease. The last thing a person suffering suicide grief needs is a statement implying guilt on their part, or that they or their family is defective.Įxperts estimate that 90 percent of people who die by suicide suffer from a mental illness, whether diagnosed or not. Suicide survivors almost universally struggle with thoughts like, "If I had only, my loved one might still be alive." To suggest that any of the people left behind by a suicide contributed to that death in any way is cruel. "Probably is what sent him over the edge." "What is going on in your family? This sounds hereditary." Those who genuinely care about grieving persons should let them decide when and how much they want to tell about their loved one's death. It is human nature to be curious, but probing questions about the intimate details of the suicide are invasive and hurtful. Similarly, assuring someone that their loved one is in heaven is not helpful to a survivor in early grief when the mindset is: "BUT I WANT HIM HERE WITH ME!" Sadly some grieving people have turned away from God as their ultimate source of comfort because of such misguided beliefs. In our broken world, unspeakable tragedies occur daily, but that doesn't mean God causes or approves of those tragedies. No major religion teaches anymore that death by suicide automatically means hell, but this merciless thought persists, inferring that God punishes people for being sick. "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." To grievers, these feeble attempts to motivate or cheer them up feel like the speaker is telling them to ignore the pain they are currently feeling. These types of comments add to the pain of grief because they attempt to reduce the loss and make it seem less painful, rather than recognizing the deep suffering the suicide survivor is experiencing.Īs with the minimizing remarks, a grieving person needs to feel sad in the present and not think about the future right now. "Well he was bipolar, right? Could have seen that coming." I asked survivors of loved ones' suicides to tell me the worst things people said to them in their times of grief, and have attempted to categorize those remarks by the feelings they invoked in the survivors. This misguided belief causes the would-be comforter to not realize how certain remarks actually feel to a person in deep grief. I believe most "miserable comforters" genuinely want to help the grieving person, but are making the mistaken assumption that there are "magic words" that relieve pain. I'm now a pastor and facilitator for Christian Survivors of Suicide support group in Dallas, and have heard many comforter "horror stories" similar to Job's over the years. | (Photo: Courtesy of Dawn Anderson)Īfter my husband died by suicide, most people were wonderful, but a few said inappropriate things that made this difficult time harder. Dawn Anderson at Highland Park United Methodist Church in Dallas, Texas. "What miserable comforters you all are!" (Job 16:2b).
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